God's Bigger Plan

One week ago today I had a D&C (dilatation & curettage), due to a miscarriage. I am writing this for myself, because I don't want to deny that it happened(even though internally I do). September 14th I took a pregnancy test. To my suprise two pink lines appeared! It just so turns out Jason was working a funny shift that day and wasn't going into work until later that afternoon. I took advantage of his presence and wanted to take a shower, but decided to take a pregnany test first. Two reasons- First: I thought my tummy looked a little bigger than normal (even though I know I wouldn't be showing that early) Second: I had my regular yearly appointment with my OBGYN the following week and thought I would take it just in case he asked. It was very unexpected but something that Jason and I were thrilled about. We haven't necessarily been "trying" to get pregnant but know that we want more kids and for Cameron to be a big brother one day--hopefully sooner than later.

I called my Dr. right away and they wanted to know how far along I thought I was---I honestly had NO idea. (May be too much info, but I'm not the most "regular" girl out that). Jason, Cameron and I all went to the Dr. that afternoon and I had my first ultrasound. The lady doing the ultrasound said I was super early around 5 weeks. At this point we couldn't see anything except for the sac where baby number two should be. However, being that early she wasn't super alarmed not to see the baby yet. I had all the bloodwork done I needed and was sent home to come back in three weeks when I should be around 8 weeks. One day later I got a phone call from my Dr.'s nurse telling me my progesterone levels were lower than what they like to see 12.3 (they like them 15 or above). They prescribed some extra progesterone for me to pick up and take until 30 weeks pregnant! Wow that seemed like a long time but of course not an issue at all. From that day forward I really just had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right. I really think I had this feeling the day I took the test.

Of course I was worried about my low levels and called the nurse to see if I could come in any earlier than 8 weeks. Three weeks just seemed to long to wait to see if I could see my baby's heartbeat. They agreed to have me come in a week earlier--so now I just had two weeks of waiting. I really felt like God was nudging me so many times to prepare for what was to come.

Sept. 28th I went in for my ultrasound (Jason, Cameron and my mom all there with me). I had just been praying for God to breath his breathe of life into this baby and give him/her a strong heartbeat. Deep down I knew that it just wasn't going to happen this time. Every devotion I read I felt God saying "My dear child, this baby won't be in your arms...I love you and want you to prepare yourself"...really how do you do that? I tried not to get excited. I would read ahead in my book hoping to change God's "nudging" at me...but He didn't.

That day as I laid there having my ultrasound the nurse just couldn't see anything...no changes, no baby, and no heartbeat. Apparently everything started to get ready for that baby and then just stopped. I began to cry as well as the nurse (what a job, to have to tell an expecting mother--I don't envy that)...her tears were real and genuine even though she didn't really know me or my family. She had the Dr. come in for him to look as well and he confirmed that I had lost my baby. He scheduled me to come in the following day for outpatient surgery (D&C). My sweet husband and best friend was scheduled to leave right after my ultrasound to head to TN for a work trip..he cancelled everything and stayed by my side the whole time. Luckily I didn't have to break the news to everyone. I had only really told my family and just a few others. Unlike with Cameron where I announced to the world. I just had a deep down feeling that I wanted to wait to share with everyone after I saw that heartbeat.

Even though I don't understand why something like this would happen I trust that God has a master plan and will provide good things for my husband, son and I. Since that day I have heard lyrics to songs in a new way and look at my son as even more of a miracle...he is a masterpiece created by God.

Here is the devotion I read the day before going into my ultrasound:

God Knows What He's Doing
"Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know."
Job 42:3

It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job. His empire collapsed, his children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torrent? From whence will come any help?

Job goes straight to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts.

And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions.....

After several dozen questions....Job has gotten the point. What is it?

This point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. NO EXPLANATIONS. Nothing. If he gave them, we couldn't understand them.

God is God. He KNOWS what he is doing. When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart.

When I can't trace his hand, I must trace his heart.